Letting Go

​Often, when our lives don’t go as planned, we get stressed, get angry, maybe even lash out. We tend to vent to trusted friends or family members about our ordeal, and when we do, one of the most common things we hear is to “Let it go”. This advice, one hopes, is said with caring and compassion, but what does it really mean? Well, one definition (according to Oxford Languages) is “to relinquish one’s grip on someone or something”. This definition seems rather appropriate to me, because these situations we hold on to do seem to have as much of a grip on us as we have on them, emotionally speaking. Recognizing, acknowledging, and  ultimately releasing these negative thoughts and emotions, can help us let go of the negative experiences that made us feel out of control of ourselves/our lives that were causing the issue in the first place.
 Does this mean you are supposed to just forget that someone hurt you or that things are not going the way you want them to? Should you expect to be able to just forget it happened and move on? That would not be practical, or helpful. 
Letting go is not as easy as that, and, depending on the severity of the hurt or problems it has caused, can take time to do. While we can learn ways to cope with the little things that happen to us in the course of a day, a coworker in a bad mood, a wrong turn, a small mistake, the bigger things take time and effort.
For the small things, something like mindfulness techniques like body tension awareness and release, simple breathing techniques like box breathing*, or just taking a break for moment of joy (like a favourite song, a happy memory, or a quick exchange with someone you love) can really help. Any of these things can help break the tension, bring us back into the moment, and change our perspective.
Bigger stressors/issues are not always so simple. They can seem more overwhelming, or time/thought consuming, and can require the use of more than one technique over the course of days, weeks, months, or even years. While this blog post will not be able to cover every available technique, and is certainly not to be used as a substitute for professional mental health advice/therapy, there are some things you can do to help yourself at home. The techniques mentioned above can be a good start to put yourself in the right frame of mind for any personal work. I have always found that when addressing issues that have caused a lot of stress and upset that it is good to start from a place of calm, at a time when you have ample time to address and reflect on what is going on. So definitely not while still in the situation, while driving, or otherwise preoccupied.  
As a side note, keeping a journal that tracks the techniques you use, their seeming effectiveness (or lack there-of), and your experiences/feelings/thoughts as a result would definitely be helpful. Especially if you do seek help from a therapist/counsellor/psychologist/etc.. They may find this information helpful. 
Once you are in the right frame of mind, think about what happened. How did it make you feel? If you have difficulty naming/identifying emotions (more than happy, sad, or angry) I highly recommend Brene Browns book Atlas of the heart”. It defines, compares, and discusses them in depth. Actually, I just recommend reading this book period. Don’t be afraid to let yourself feel these emotions as they come up, but do not dwell on them. You can use mindfulness practices (I discussed some in a previous post called Speaking of Spirituality), cord cutting (also described in a previous post by that name), or visualization exercises that allow you to visualize a different/better outcome. Although this does not change what happened it can reframe the experience in a more empowering way for you allowing for the possible release of at least some of the emotional distress linked to it. You can create boundaries (physically, mentally, or emotionally), between you and the person/situation/place related to the distress/stress/negative energy, you can create a positive mantra to remind you of your personal power (or the lack of power it has over you), always practice self-care, and surround yourself with people that support you. Don’t forget that you may not have control over every situation, but you can control how you react to it.   
As long as this post is, it barely scratches the surface of this topic. That said, I hope you found some helpful tips to help you on your journey. Remember that if you need help there is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for it. As the 17th century poet John Donne once wrote “No man is an island.”
 
*This technique involves breathing in for a count of four, holding that breath for a count of four, releasing the breath for a count of four, and then holding that breath for a count of four before breathing in again. Do this 5 - 10 times, or until you feel the tension is gone and then return to your normal breathing pattern.